Out of Control

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Not long ago I was reminded, once again, how little we are in control of our circumstances. As seems to be most often the case with this fallacy, the reawakening of my awareness was brought about by a visit to the hospital. It wasn’t I that was being laid low, but my wife, Kristy last month. I was confronted with my inability to perform any action that would relieve her suffering.

Holding her hand

..to hold her hand..

I was powerless to do more than to be present, to hold her hand and to talk to her.

I was left entirely reliant on the skills and abilities of, firstly, the paramedic crew that attended our home and then the hospital staff into whose care Kristy was delivered.

I ended up feeling lost, anchor-less, angry and upset.

Much earlier this year, Kristy had had a kidney infection that I found to be seriously distressing. The amount of pain that she was forced to go through was shocking to me. This new hospital visit, five months later, was due to a reoccurrence of that infection and thankfully, this time, we dealt with it early. That first time I drove Kristy to the hospital which was a huge mistake. It delayed her receipt of treatment and resulted in her going through more pain than was necessary. Thankfully, this time, we contacted an ambulance and Kristy was then able to be on her way with suitable pain relief. I then stayed at home overnight and joined Kristy at the hospital the next morning.

I attempted to maintain as much good humour as I could, but I had a strong conversation with God about Kristy going through all this again. I asked Him if I could possibly bare this for her, she had already suffered enough. I asked Him if that wasn’t possible then could it be over quickly, with a firm diagnosis and swift treatment. I then just asked Him to keep Kristy safe. But it is hard to let your doubts go. Hard to not try and take over control of circumstances for yourself.

It is hard to forgive the things that do go wrong.

After I ran out of questions and bargains I finally told Him that no matter what I would trust Him, because I knew that Kristy and I are His children and His covenant promises with us will never be broken.

Image courtesy of Hunter's tumblr page: http://faithisbeingsureofwhatwehopefor.tumblr.com/

Image courtesy of Hunter’s tumblr page: http://faithisbeingsureofwhatwehopefor.tumblr.com

We got some answers from that night and day spent in the hospital, but not all of them. Kristy was still going to have to undergo additional testing. She would also need to take a course of antibiotics and, unfortunately, remain on pain relief and bed rest. Thankfully in this time of trial we received encouragement from our family, friends, and our Church fellowship. Having people who love and care about us gather round and offer prayer and thanksgiving was a blessing in this time of strife.

It eased some of my personal burdens and allowed me the time and space to begin to process through my emotional turmoil that our circumstance had churned up.

We were given support and respite from our situation and though not all our medical challenges were dealt with I was at least able to come to terms with not being in control.

Next on this theme: ‘Finding Acceptance – Part One‘ coming 30 July 2016.

Featured image source: eGuide Travel – https://www.flickr.com/photos/eguidetravel/ under Creative Commons license.


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